


walking to jfk

by thisstableground



Series: less than ninety degrees [19]
Category: Do No Harm (TV)
Genre: Multi
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-05
Updated: 2020-01-05
Packaged: 2021-02-27 10:22:00
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,711
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22135492
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thisstableground/pseuds/thisstableground
Summary: Vanessa achieves a dream.
Relationships: Ruben Marcado/Usnavi (In the Heights)/Vanessa (In the Heights)
Series: less than ninety degrees [19]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/713601
Comments: 1
Kudos: 13





	walking to jfk

** Vanessa **

Ruben comes back from saying goodbye to his family as Vanessa’s taking her makeup off at the vanity. Even though she can see in the mirror reflection that his eyes are telltale bloodshot, there's something sweet and satisfied in the way he kisses her hello, enough for her to assume that they didn’t fuck up the first impressions enough to cause drama, which really is about the best she could have hoped for.

“Love you,” he says very quietly.

“Alright?” Usnavi asks from the bed, splaying one arm out for Ruben to cuddle up against his shoulder.

“Yeah....” Ruben says, but he doesn’t sound convinced. “It...it was good to have everyone all there together. While it lasted.”

“I’m sorry, hermoso.”

“It’s okay,” Ruben says. He shakes his head, curls bouncing. “It’s okay. It’ll be nice for things to get back to normal too, you know?”

Vanessa goes back to taking off her makeup with a little knot of sadness in her stomach, doesn’t say anything about the fact she’s flying away in four days, lets this moment be good while it lasts.

***

“Aite, I better go get ready to meet the girls from the office,” Vanessa says once dinner is over. Two nights left in New York, and the goodbyes have already started: her last day at work was today, and it's also her last time seeing Sonny, who makes a wounded face as she pushes her chair out from the table.

“Oh, okay,” he says. “You ain’t wanna spend as much time as possible with your favorite De la Vega before you go?”

“Not until my favorite De la Vega is old enough to buy me leaving drinks,” Vanessa says.

“You guys know I can hear you?” Usnavi says, reaching over Ruben to pick up his empty plate.

Vanessa points at Sonny. “You let me know as soon as you hear back from any colleges, entiendes?”

Sonny nods. “Claro. You bring me something nice back from California, sí?”

“I ain’t Santa Claus, buy your own shit.”

He laughs. “It ain’t gonna be the same round here without you, V,” he says, and hugs her.

She ruffles his hair and says, “alright, alright, that’s enough. Make sure you keep an eye on these two dumbasses for me,” jerking a thumb at Usnavi and Ruben, who both immediately scoff at the notion of being babysat by a teenager. Sonny, though, nods seriously, and she knows he understood that she genuinely meant it. After all, she’s always said he’s the only one around here with an inch of sense.

***

She regrets accepting so many drinks from her workmates now that it’s day after, trying her best not to fall asleep over her half-filled suitcase as she slowly, slowly rolls up socks to shove inside shoes to make more space.

Usnavi drops the load of clean laundry he just collected from the basement for her on the bed and says, “querida, you should probably just get it over with.”

“Oh...yeah, but I got so much packing to do still,” she says, waving hopefully at the laundry.

Ruben takes a t-shirt off the top of the pile and starts folding. “You don’t _have_ to talk to her if you don't want.”

“I kinda do though,” she says reluctantly. Vanessa can’t say honestly she’ll miss her mom – hell, there’s been times they’ve gone almost that long without speaking just by accident before - but it’d be kinda fucked up to move out of state without even trying to see her first.

Man. She really doesn’t want to, though. Once she's at her moms and they get past “so is your flight all sorted” kind of smalltalk it’s like, well, now what?

“So how are Usnavi and Ruben?” Mom asks.

“They’re fine,” Vanessa says, decides not to bring up the fact that she met Ruben’s family over the weekend because that seems like opening a door to a _when are you going to introduce me to him_ convo that she super does not want or need. Her mom doesn’t really approve of them, though she does _pretend_ to be comfortable with it, which is better than her dad, at least. Still, there’s a huge difference between that and actually hanging out all of them in the same room. Avoidance might not be mature but it sure as hell makes Vanessa’s life easier.

“That’s good,” her mom says. “Are you excited about tomorrow?”

“Mmhm.”

Another silence, tiptoeing around the memory of the last time Vanessa moved out. This is going way better than that conversation did. Less crying and guilt-tripping, a lot more awkward shuffling and coughing.Then her mom gets a decisive, set look on her face that’s kinda unsettling in how it brings out a family resemblance Vanessa always tries not to see, and _then_ she stands up and hugs Vanessa.

“Uh,” Vanessa says, slightly panicked. The Garcias are not a hugging family. Is this going to turn into a heart-to-heart? Are there going to be emotions? Is this apartment too high up to jump out of the window and run away?  
  
“I just wanted— well, I want to say...” her mom struggles for words. _Please don’t say you’re proud of me,_ Vanessa prays. _I cannot deal with hearing those words from you right now._ “You’re just doing well. With your life. And I’m happy.”

Vanessa pretends she didn’t hear it, pretends she didn’t feel anything from hearing it, a well-practiced selective deafness. “I’ll text you once I land.”

“I love you,” Mom says, a little stiffly.

“You too,” Vanessa says. She can’t bring herself to actually say the words out loud, hasn’t been able to for years. “I better get back. I need an early night tonight.”

***

Vanessa isn’t going home just yet, actually, but Dani’s presence in Vanessa’s life is another thing on the endless list of Do Not Discuss topics for a peaceful mother-daughter interaction. Better not to mention it.

It wasn’t always like this. Dani and her mom used to be close friends, a bond through the same bold, acerbic sarcasm that Vanessa shares with both of them too, until shortly after the first time the power got cut off when she was about fourteen: Vanessa came home to hear yelling from the hallway that stopped suddenly as she opened the apartment door. Dani had pointed imperiously at Vanessa and said “pack a bag and vamonos.” Her mom was facing the sink, vodka bottle in hand, didn’t even say goodbye. Vanessa stayed at Dani’s for two weeks. She suspects Dani might have let her stay forever if she’d wanted to but Vanessa was too stubborn to even admit to herself that she might have wanted that.

Things are so much easier with Dani. They don’t have to walk over broken glass to reach an accord, she doesn’t have to hold half of herself back in case it sets all hell loose. Her mom used to say things like _I’m saying this because I care about you_ and _of course I love you_ and _we’re family_ and all of them made Vanessa feel like a failure every time, always deployed like a weapon to make her like the worst most selfish person in history. Now they’re just carefully polite with each other and it makes Vanessa feel not much at all. Dani says things like _if you want coffee move your lazy butt and get it yourself_ and _I’ll take none of your crap tonight, por favor_ and _God grant me strength to deal with this nightmare of a girl_ and has always made Vanessa feel indestructible.

She came here to say goodbye, but also she came here to tell much that means to her. And she _is_ gonna say it. Now. Right now. Okay, _now_.

“If you take any longer to spit out whatever you’re making all those faces about you’re going to miss your flight,” Dani says.

“I don’t think I’ve ever thanked you enough,” she blurts, and Dani raises her eyebrows in surprise. “You’ve done so much for me and I know I ain’t say things like this often but I wouldn’t have ever got out of the barrio or been doin' this whole job thing at all if it weren’t for you. You made me who I am, you know?”

“Ay, don’t pin that on me.”

“This is the one moment of sincerity you’re ever gonna get from me, Dani, you really wanna waste it on a cheap joke?”

Dani shrugs expressively, like _I mean, maybe,_ then softens. “You made it here yourself, chica, I was just a cheerleader.”

“Well, I don’t know where I’d be without the cheerleadin',” Vanessa insists. “Probably still stuck workin' the salon with you.”

“Oh, well, that’s gratitude,” Dani sniffs disapprovingly. “That salon gave you _opportunities_.”

“Yeah, the opportunity to deal with the entire barrio’s dandruff and headlice,” she says. “Dani, what if I hate it in California?”

“This again? I swear, the angel Gabriel himself could come down and hand you a mojito and a thousand dollars and you’d find a way to mope about it,” Dani says. “Lighten up! You just need to let yourself be happy. Have fun, make memories, make sure you call me every week.”

“Of course I will.”

“It will be very quiet here without all your complaining, mija,” Dani says, which is Dani-speak for _I’m going to miss you._

“It’ll be very quiet in California without you gettin' all up in my business,” she answers, which is Vanessa-speak for _I’ll miss you too._

***

Back at her apartment for one last night, and even though they gotta be up early tomorrow, Vanessa can’t settle down. It feels like all the suitcases and bags at the end of the bed are all staring expectantly at her. They’re not the only ones.

“Stop gawkin' at me, you creeps,” she says.

“Stop being so cute, then,” Usnavi says.

“I’m going to have forgotten what your face looks like within a week,” Ruben says, obligingly looking away for about a nanosecond before his gaze wanders back. “I’m trying to make the most of you being here before you just become a hazy blob with great hair.”

“Oh, well, good to know I’ve made such a big impression. Jeez.”

“Nothing personal. One time I walked past my mom in the street and didn’t recognize her because she was wearing a new coat.”

“You’re kiddin'.”

“I really wish I was.”

“So,” Usnavi says, in a meaningful voice. “Tomorrow.”

  
Fuck, she can’t do this one yet. She bypasses the sentimental moment she can see careening towards her and says, “sure is. You gonna give me somethin' to remember you by?”, with a lecherous eyebrow-wiggle.

The boys look at each other, and then holy _shit_ do they deliver. The best kind of distraction, hot and frantic and intense and perfect even when it’s not perfect, and Vanessa thrives on all that, Vanessa knows how to ride physical sensation to the peak and always feel in control even when she isn’t.

Vanessa _doesn’t_ know how to handle the space after they all clean up and cuddle, the finality and finiteness of knowing it’s going to be a long time before they do this again, the melancholy adoration of them pressing in on either side of her and whispering to her while she drifts off about how proud they are she’s taking this step, about how much they love her. She wants to stop time and stay like this forever

Or maybe not: the middle isn’t her favorite place to sleep, and she wakes up a couple of hours later feeling very loved, but also very sweaty and crowded. Untangling herself from Usnavi’s arms, she stands and rolls him into the middle. He makes a tiny disgruntled “bwee?” noise and shuffles around blindly till he finds Ruben, settling down as he pulls him close. Ruben sighs in response and pats Usnavi’s cheek, like they’re communicating with other even when they’re asleep.

On impulse she takes a picture, just their shapes in silhouette with dim streetlight spilling through the window pale yellow across their dark hair. Doesn’t know if it’ll make her feel better when she misses them or if it’ll just make her miss them worse, knowing they’re together when she’s so far away, and then she gets back in bed behind Usnavi, fits her knees against the bend of his legs and winds her arm over to rest against Ruben’s, thumb tracing scar tissue and the three of their bodies woven together in curlicue patterns, and wonders if it’s possible to regret something she hasn’t even done yet.

***

** Usnavi **

“You ready?” Usnavi says, pulling the trolley full of Vanessa’s luggage to a stop. He definitely ain't fucking ready, but he’s trying his hardest to hide it, for Vanessa’s sake.

“No,” Vanessa says. “Is it too late to change my mind?”

“No, but I know you ain’t.”

“We’ll be here,” Ruben says. He looks pale and freaked out by being in the airport building, but he insisted he come along to say goodbye. “You’ll have a great time but if it’s really not working, there’s no shame in coming back home. We’ll still be here.”

“I know,” she says, looking serious. “Just…don’t wait on everythin', y’know? Have fun. Go on dates, do whatever nerds do together. I don’t want you to feel like you gotta hang around for me to come back before you can enjoy yourselves.”

“I was just gonna Facetime you all the time and carry you around with me everywhere,” Usnavi says.

“Oh, well, that works too.”

 _“_ It’s gonna be so fuckin' weird without you here,” he tells her. Vanessa’s _always_ been here, never any further away than taking the A. Is this how it felt for her when he nearly left? Ended up longest he’s ever been away from home was vacationing two weeks in DR, and she’d said _you’d damn well better come back, too_ and kissed him, shyly because they were still new back then _._ It kinda terrifies him whenever he thinks about how close he was to leaving for good.

Maybe Vanessa and Ruben woulda found each other anyway, somehow. Fallen in love, gone on a vacation to DR on a whim, and there’s Usnavi in the bar that Abuela said he should open — but then what, would he have given up DR and come back with them, or would they give up their whole lives to live on island time with someone they barely knew by that point? Probably not. It’d just be another too-short time together with a goodbye at the end.

Usnavi _hates_ goodbyes. He knows he’s being stupid. She’s not leaving the fucking planet. But he hates goodbyes so much.

Vanessa checks her watch with a sigh. “I guess I should probably go.”

“See you in four months then,” Ruben says, in a wobbly voice.

“Oh, don’t you start, I’m tryna get on this plane with some dignity," Vanessa says, her eyes welling up. “I’ll see you before then, dumbass, we’ll figure out a visit.“ She hugs him. “It’s barely any time at all. You won’t even notice I’m gone, ain't need all this drama about it.”

But Usnavi notices she’s not letting go of Ruben, holding tight and only letting up one arm to bring Usnavi in too, pressing herself between both of them.

“Look after yourselves, okay?” she says. “Look after each other. You gotta be in one piece next time I see you.”

“I love you,” Ruben says in her ear, voice cracking. “Be safe.”

“I will. I love you too, honey, so much,” she says, then looks up at Usnavi. “I love you, Usnavi.”

“Te amo, Vanessa,” he says, cupping her face in his hands, trying to memorize all of her before she goes. “Call us when you land.”

“I will,” she says, kisses them both one last time, and then she’s gone.

**

**Ruben**

For saying he’s supposedly pretty clever, Ruben's real slow sometimes. It’s only as he helps her take her suitcases out of Benny's trunk at the airport that it really registers properly: _Oh, Vanessa’s **leaving.** _Four months without her angry noises in the kitchen while she makes breakfast, without her hair tickling his arm as she leans to read something over his shoulder, without her just being _there_ , constant and consistent and brilliant.

It’s enough to make him forgets for a second they’re in an airport, the world narrowed down to just Vanessa, the scent of her perfume still in the air as she backs away, hesitantly glancing over her shoulder at them while she pushes her luggage towards check-in. They both smile after her, wave, and inside Ruben’s head he’s yelling _don’t go, you should stay,_ but he’d never say it out loud.

They stand there till long after she’s out of sight, but neither of them seem to be able to move until a flight announcement bursts into life.

“Attention all passengers on—”

“— _charter flight eight-three-eight-zero to Montego Bay, Jamaica, your departure will be delayed one hour —“_

The memory hits like hot water poured through his veins, so familiar and so sudden that he can’t hold it off. “Oh, _fuck_ ,” he gasps, knees going weak. Usnavi grabs his hand to steady him.

“Are y—“

_“—ou okay, carino? You haven’t called since—“_

_“There’s no time, Ma, this is important, you need to take the girls and get out of town. Don’t tell anyone where you’re going. I’m leaving for a while. Out of the country.”_

_“What? Why? Rubén, you’re scaring me.”_

_“It’ll be okay, Mamá, I just—”_

_“—_ Have to get out of here,” he mumbles.

“I know, come on, we—”

_“— haven’t got all night,” Ian says, dragging Ruben away as he automatically goes to pick up his suitcase from baggage claim. “Well, I do have all night, that’s the deal, but I have big plans for **you** , my treacherous little chemist, and the clock’s ticking.”_

_He’s being_ pulled towards the exit, gently, Usnavi’s thumb rubbing a reassuring halfcircle across his hand _steered towards the exit, Ian’s arm circling too tight around his shoulder._

 _“Where are we going?”_ Ruben asks and _Ian says “now, that would spoil the surprise, Rubes”_ Usnavi says “I need to get you somewhere safe before I start bawlin’ like a goddamn baby and time’s running out fast on that one, hermoso.”

Outside Ruben _tries desperately to make eye contact with the guy at the car rental who doesn’t even look up_ tries desperately to look halfway fucking sane as Benny climbs out the driver’s seat of his waiting cab looking concerned and _Ian says “you get in the back, don’t want you trying any daring escapes”_ Usnavi says “we’re fine, Benny, I really gotta get Ruben home, I’ll get in the back” and Usnavi is _…Usnavi is naked and bleeding in the backseat of —_ no, wait, that never happened. That makes no sense. _**Ruben’s**_ _in the backseat, Usnavi is at the bodega with Jason -_ No! Think clearly, stop it, be present. Usnavi is waiting for Ruben to get his shit together, Benny’s here too, Vanessa is _on a plane. She’s alone, and Ian is coming over to the empty seat next to her: “what a small world, this is a really good friend of mine. You know what, I’m gonna sit here next to—“_

Everything goes to black.

It’s not alarming any more, really. Pleasant, almost, the quick descending power-down sound of a laptop overheating to failure, the relief of silence after the background noise of fans working loud doubletime to cool the systems: did not shut down properly, restart in safe mode.

“Shit,” Usnavi says. “Well, we lost him.”

Usnavi sounds upset. Ruben doesn’t remember sitting down but here he is on the curb outside the short stay parking area with his vision all clouded out. He listens, because he feels like if he does anything else then he's going to start thinking again, and if he starts thinking again it's going to go badly.

“What do we do?” Benny asks, nervously.

“Nothin'. Give him space, he’ll come back in his own time. You come back to us, okay, Ruben? We’re gonna take you home just as soon as you’re ready to leave, a-and it’ll all be fine, everything's gonna be fine.”

There’s indistinct noises from Usnavi, Benny saying “oh, dude” in a sympathetic voice, movement - he thinks they might be hugging, he thinks Usnavi might be crying, he thinks the right thing to do would be to come back so that he can do something to help, especially now Vanessa’s not here.

Not yet. Ruben stays sitting. He drifts.

***

Vanessa sitting in the airport lounge is thinking so far this doesn’t measure up to imagination. She’s had fantasies about this moment since she was a kid, and it was all taking her sunglasses off at the top of some airplane steps in a picturesque sunset, hair whipping in the wind as she gazes out on her new life, or maybe drinking a cocktail in the first class lounge and laughing in a charming but devastating way. Not so much going through airport security then trailing around in yoga pants and one of Usnavi’s hoodies, trying to figure out which place will sell her a bucket-sized cup of coffee, still half-asleep and half-wishing she was back in her own bed, in her own home.

This is moving downtown all over again, sitting in her new studio so happy to be free, so terrified of what’s next, so outraged at the fact that she just realized how much she cared about Usnavi and what’s worse, _now he knows._ She wasn’t supposed to miss anyone when she finally left. She wasn’t supposed to have anyone to leave behind.

But once her flight is boarded and taken off, Vanessa sits with her head turned to the window and watches New York disappearing below them as they break through the cloud layer, and she doesn’t think about what she’s leaving behind. She smiles out at the grey sky. Even though its not the same as she’d dreamed of when she was a teenager, she’s still flying, isn’t she? Not flying away, flying _towards_ whatever comes next. She did it. She made it. She got out.


End file.
